Quality that describes my life

A quality that describes my life would be pain.  Hurting has been a part of my life as far back as i can remember.  Sometimes I wonder how much of it is my fault.  I wonder if I could be different would I hurt so much.  Sometimes I worry that I hurt others as much as they hurt me.  Sometimes I hate myself for that. I have a good heart.  But sometimes it doesnt show.  Well, lots.  I dont let many people in.  Even after they are in I push away a lot.  Sometimes I wonder if my pain is all my fault.